Yuffie and the Homeroom Quest of Gayness!
by fritzer
Summary: Yuffie has come to a horrible conclusion: all the boys in her homeroom are gay! Now she and whoever she can turn to the darkside of fangirlism are out to find out the truth.....and pair up the cutest guys. Shonenai obviously and het. No bashing on girl
1. A frightening realization

Yuffie and the Homeroom Quest of Gayness!

Chapter One: Sora Pt.1

Akikami:KH2 CAMEE OUT YESTERDAY! YEEEEEEEESH! Roxas is awesome, even if I imagine Jesse McCartney every time I hear him talk (twitches). Anyway, I've been meaning to write Kingdom Hearts fic lately. This one will actually have more then one chapter! Yay!

* * *

3-30-06

7.35 AM

YUFFIE'S INNER DIARY-THING

ENTRY ONE

I have come up with a frightening hypothesis this morning.

All of the boys in my homeroom are gay.

Today I am going to test my theory on every boy in my homeroom throughout the day.

**Boys in my homeroom (15):**

**-Sora **

**-Wakka**

**-Axel**

**-Roxas**

**-Cloud**

END OF YUFFIE'S INNER DIARY-THING ENTRY ONE

* * *

**One-Sora**

"He-eeey, Sooooora!"

"Uh…. hey, Yuffie. Are you okay?"

Yuffie laughed insanely, throwing her head back holding her sides in a way that made Sora shrink back in his seat. Her head abruptly snapped back forward, startling the poor, unsuspecting boy.

"Of course I'm okay, silly boy," she said. "Why do you ask?"

"No reason…."

"Greeaat…."

The two stared at each other in an awkward sort of silence as Yuffie pondered her plan of action.

'I should probably go for the direct approach and catch him off guard. He won't be able to deny the truth that way!' Yuffie cackled evilly in her head.

"Hey, Sora?" she said innocently.

Too innocently in Sora's opinion, but he let it slide. He knew how nutty Yuffie could be.

"Yeah?"

"…. ARE YOU GAY?"

Silence.

The entire classroom was silent, all staring at the beet red Sora and obliviously blinking Yuffie. One lone person (who we shall never know) snickered.

"What!" Sora exclaimed in shock after everyone slowly reverted back to their previous conversations. "Where did THAT come from?"

"I'm just curious, Sora," Yuffie replied matter-of-factly. "I mean you're so girly and small and are always wearing fashionable clothing and I should know it is MURDER finding fashionable clothing in a straight guy's closet **(1)**. And you're always hanging out with that Riku guy who looks like a hooker if you ask me and-"

"Yuffie! Would you just shut the he-"

"Hello, class!" Jasmine, their homeroom teacher, exclaimed **(2)**, choosing just THAT moment to enter the classroom (ten minutes after the bell rang too, but Yuffie wasn't complaining). Jasmine didn't approve of stifling titles such as Mr. or Mrs. and reprimanded anyone who used such words in her presence.

Even so, basically every boy in Kingdom Middle School **(3)** ogled her whenever she so much as entered a room. Everyone that is, except for the five boys in her homeroom!

A coincidence?

Yeah, right!

"So class, how was everyone's weekend?" Jasmine inquired.

Yuffie shot Sora a knowing look as she slipped into her seat next to Kairi.

Sora stuck his tongue out and turned back around.

Yuffie was about to retaliate with a more rude hand gesture when a very loud, very love-stricken sigh was emitted from the redhead beside her.

Kairi had her head on her desk as she dreamily watched the back of Sora's spiky head bounce as he nodded to something Jasmine had said.

"Ewwww, do you like Sora?" Yuffie exclaimed under her breath in disgust.

"Huh?" Kairi looked up in a daze. "Oh, hi Yuffie. When did you get here?"

"…. Five minutes ago."

"Oh," Kairi giggled airily. "That's nice."

Right.

"Sora doesn't like you," Yuffie stated bluntly.

"What do you mean?" Kairi retorted. She was now sitting completely upright and alert. "Sora told me he liked me!"

"Sora tells EVERYONE he likes them. He told the little five-year-old down the street that last week."

"Yeah, but-"

"Sora's _gay._"

_Gasp!_

"It's not like it's that surprising. I just asked him if he was five minutes ago."

"But, I was in too much in a love-induced stupor to notice."

"Oh."

Both girls sat silently.

Yuffie doodled man into her desktop.

Kairi mulled over her taste in men.

"Lookit the loooove mark my ce-UTE ferret gave me!" Cloud exclaimed to Jasmine after ahe had asked how his weekend went. She grimaced and attempted to look interested in the purple, festering wound on the boy's wrist. "The nurse said the anesthesia from the emergency room should wear off in an hour! I FEEL SO-OO HAPPY!"

Right.

"I always wondered why Sora had such good fashion sense…"

"As did I."

"And why he didn't mind shopping with me…"

"Mm-hm."

"And that picture of that weird silver-haired kid under his pillow that I thought was a girl the first time I saw it."

"I knew it!"

Kairi jumped back at the sudden exclamation, fearing for her life. "Umm…. Yuffie…. are you okay?"

Yuffie sighed, smacking her forehead. "Why is everybody asking me that today? Never mind. Kairi, would you like to join me on my quest?"

"What quest?" Kairi asked.

"My quest to discover the gayness of the guys in our homeroom!"

"Ummmm….."

She looked interested! Yuffie cheered inside head. With another girl on her side, her quest would be even more fun!

Kairi bit her lip, deep in thought.

She looked to Yuffie, who was grinning hopefully at her.

Then, she turned to Sora who was screaming shrilly, "Oh my GOD, Cloud, you got blood on my brand new shirt!"

Yuffie.

Sora.

Yuffie.

Sora.

Yuffie.

Sor-

"Are you almost done?"

"…Sure, Yuffie."

"…. Really?"

"Yup!"

"That's so friggin' great! Do you have anybody in your next class?"

"Axel."

"Great!"

**RING!**

"Well, I'll see you at lunch Kai!"

"Okay."

Kairi watched the hyper active girl zip out of the room thinking sadly 'What have I gotten myself into?'

* * *

3-30-06

10.00 AM

YUFFIE'S INNER DIARY-THING

ENTRY TWO

Kairi has joined my quest that I just decided was a quest ten minutes ago! Together we will prove the gayness of every boy in our homeroom! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-

END OF YUFFIE'S INNER DIARY-THING ENETRY TWO

"Yuffie, are you okay?"

Yuffie attempted to answer through her serious hacking fit to the young, pudgy boy standing awkwardly beside her** (4)**. "Yeah…. okay…."

"O-okay…. BYE!"

"…Stupid 6th grader! That was a test to prove you r loyalty and you FAILED! FAAAAIIIIILED!"

**RING!**

"Crap! That was the late bell! Nooooo!"

TBC

* * *

Akikami: Well, how was that? When I started it I planned on it being a one-shot. But now I think it would be better as a chapter story. Not exactly sure where this is going yet, but I do know one thing…. no bashing (gasps)!

I actually don't mind the girl characters. Some of them will be a bit psycho, but I do that to all my characters, not just the girl ones.

**1-my friend said that today. Straight guys have sucky clothes!**

**2-I don't really want to use Ocs and I want to save the characters for the actual story so I'm just going to use Disney characters that were in the game.**

**3-this school will be 6th 7th 8th and 9th because I feel like it.**

**4-guess the pudgy boy!**


	2. Explosions

Chapter two: Explosions

Akikami:I noticed the seriously huge time jump I created during the beginning and end of chapter one. 7.35 to 10.00 for homeroom? Oops. 9.35 I meant. I hope I didn't completely screw up flag football in the little part it has. I've really never cared enough to learn the rules completely. And thank you to the five people who reviewed me. I hope the badly created title didn't throw you off.

- - -

3-30-06

10.00

YUFFIE'S INNER DIARY-THING

ENTRY THREE

It's a good thing Sora's in almost all my classes. He still hasn't admitted to his gayness!

He can not deny it for long! His resolve is weakening, I can feel it!

…ahem. Anyway, even better: Riku is in my class too.

They will not be able to resist my all powerful ninja powerful…ness.

…Too bad it's gym class.

END YUFFIE'S INNER DIARY-THING

"Today we're playing flag football!"

Yuffie ignored the pained groans from the insignificant weaklings around her. Instead, she focused on Riku, who was surrounded by girls and looking positively ecstatic and grinning in a very…for lack of better word perverted way.

As soon as the thought crossed her mind a nearby girl squeeled something about his smile being 'so-O sexy!'

Disgusting.

"Okay," the extremely overweight gym teacher, Mr. Phil, continued, either not noticing or not caring of all the swooning girls that made up about half of his class, "I know that most of you ALWAYS get mad because I don't let you pick your own teams. So, I reconsidered…"

Everybody cheered.

"But, then I decided I really didn't care what a bunch of whiny brats thought. Right half of the gym team 1, left half team 2. Get outside. NOW!"

Everyone groaned again and began to drag themselves out into the searing summer heat.

Well, everyone except for Riku.

He was still just sitting in the same exact spot, a daydreaming grin plastered on his face.

"Riku…"

Nothing.

"…Riiiiiikuuuuuu…"

Still nothing.

Hmmm…

'Now what to say to bring him out of whatever freakish daydream he's in?'

"Uhhh…Oh my god all the guys have somehow lost their shirts in a bizarre heat laser and are now running around…uh…shirtless!"

Riku blinked, a strange and confused look on his face. "_What?_"

"Hah hah! I KNEW it! You're gay aren't you?"

"WHAT?"

"Ahhahahahahahaha! You will never deny it!" Yuffie screamed and then proceeded to run out of the gym, leaving a very VERY confused Riku behind.

Vaguely in the back of Yuffie's mind she wondered, 'I wonder how Kairi's doing.'

- - -

"BURN! BURN I TELL YOU! BUUUUUUURN!"

Kairi flinched as a gob of neon green muck splashed across her protective goggles. Her lab partner, Axel, continued to laugh maniacally and up the intensity of the Bunsen burner, looking positively evil as he did so.

Yes, Axel was Kairi's lab partner.

No wonder she had a D in this class.

"Axel, if you make it any hotter it might-"

BOOM!

Everyone within ten feet of them was coated in burning green sludge, screaming their heads off and running to the bathrooms.

"Ahhh! My eyes!" Ariel, the resident cheerleader who had 'forgotten' to put her goggles on.

"Heh heh…I TOLD you to put those goggles on!" Mrs.Maleficent snickered from behind her desk. She made no move to help with the pandemonium that had been created.

"Ack! My hair!" Kairi's long, beautiful, tresses were practically seared off to the shoulders, the ends charred and burned **(1)**. For a moment she just sat at her desk in shock, staring at the charred and smoky smelling ends of her once long hair.

"Oops…uh…sorry, Kai…I-"

"MY HAIR!" Suddenly murderous, she lunged across the desk to grab a fistful of Axel's red hair and yank it mercilessly, screeching like a banshee. "You pyromaniac butt! YOU RUINED MY HAIIIIIR!"

"AHHHHHHH!I'M SOOORRRRRRYYYY!"

As all this went on, Roxas watched (at a safe, twenty foot distance) as his lab partner, Demyx, taped the attempted murder with a snicker. "Demyx, what are you doing?"

"I'm getting footage for my myspace of course **(2)**."

"Oh…Why do you have a camera in your backpack then?"

"So, I would be able to savor moments like these for allllll eternity…hehehehehe…"

"Demyx…you're starting to scare me…"

---

Meanwhile, Yuffie's team was getting pummeled.

Not that it was their fault or anything.

I mean, COME ON, Selphie was on the other team! Nobody could win against that inhuman bundle of hyperactive sugar-induced madness! Nobody I tell you, NOBODY!

Selphie whizzed past Yuffie to tackle the poor boythat was currently in position of the ball.

"Ahhhh! My spleen!" the young black-haired boy wailed, fliling helplessly as Selphie giggled and pulled off his yellow flagged belt.

"Selphie, get off of Eric **(3)**! You know he has a rare spleen disease!" Mr. Phil yelled from the sidelines. "And, this is FLAG football! No tackling! Selphie, are you listening to me? Seeeelphieee!"

Needless to say, Mr. Phil's cries were ignored. Everyone was still a bit bitter at not being able to pick teams.

And, watching Selphie tackle random people with rare (INSERT VITAL ORGAN) disorders was fun in Yuffie's opinion….as long as it wasn't her.

"We're doomed! Dooooooomed!" Pence, the 6th grader from that morning wailed, falling to his knees.

"You stupid 6th grader! We are NOT doomed!" Yuffie yelled in irritation. Why oh why was she cursed with a class made up of all four grades?

"Pull yourself together man!" Hayner, another 6th grade, exclaimed, roughly shaking the obese boy by the shoulders. Once releasing him, Pence groaned something about being dizzy and fell over.

"Poison the water!" another nameless boy screeched and promptly ran away **(4).**

"I am surrounded by insanity," Sora sighed.

Yes, Sora was also on Yuffie's team.

Did I forget to mention that?

"Whatever, they're kicking off…"

And indeed they were. Well, Riku was if you want to be exact.

The ball sailed through the air like a bird about to crap all over your face, sending all of the Yuffie's yellow-flagged team running in an attempt to catch it.

"Yay! I caught it!" Yuffie heard Sora exclaim.

Just as she turned around about four bodies slammed into the brunetteand they all fell over in a tangle of limbs and yellow and red flagged belts.

"Owww…"

"I TOLD YOU KNOW TACKLING!"

Now in a pile was from top to bottom: Selphie (holding all their belts, including her own team's), Pence (wailing like the little girl he was), Olette (a 7th grader, screeching about a broken nail and gushing blood from her finger), Riku (with a football jammed in his gut), and lastly Sora, looking blue in the face and about to pass out.

Nobody said anything.

The only sound that could be heard was Selphie's insane giggles as she hopped off the pile and ran around waving about the belts.

Oh wait, she seemed to have something else…

Yuffie gagged, her jaw dropping.

Selphie also held a very large pair of gym shorts.

"My paaaants!" Pence wailed.

"AHHHHHHHH! GET HIM OFF OF MEEEEEEEE!" Olette (poor poor Olette) screamed.

"Victory shall be miiine!" Selphie laughed.

Yuffie shook her head.

Uncovering Riku and Sora's 'secret relationship' would have wait.

She needed to get Pence's pants and what remained of his dignity back.

---

"Hey Kai-what happened to you?"

Yuffie gawked at Kairi across the cafeterie table.

She was sure Kairi's hair was at least waist length during homeroom. But now it was cut to the shoulders, looking ragged and unkempt, very unlike the conditioned sheen it usually held.

Kairi's left eye twitched.

"Axel, the pyro lab partner happened. I skipped the last two periods getting my hair cut in the clinic."

"Oh..are you-"

"No. I'm not."

Yuffie meeped. "Uh..okay. Sorry I asked!"

"…Whatever."

---

3-30-06

12.07 PM

YUFFIE'S INNER DIARY-THING

ENTRY FOUR

Kairi's very scary when it comes to her hair.

I wonder what happened….

I better ask Demyx, he's in that class and keeps that kind of stuff on video usually.

I don't think I'll be able to prove everyone's gayness today, but by….the end of this week I WILL PROVE IT!

Hey, DEMYX!

END YUFFIE'S INNER DIARY-THING

"Demyx you weirdo! Come back here and let me see that video camera! I must know what happened to cause the demise of Kairi's hair!

"Demyx, are you listening to me….

"Don't laugh and pretend I'm not talking to you! Get your scrawiny butt over here! DEMYYYYYXXXXXX!"

TBC

Akikami: Yay, another chapter finished. And it only took around a week to do! Yay! I actually have reviews! It makes me feel very special!

(1)- Kairi's hair was the same length as in KH2 but now it's around the length of KH1.

**(2)-Everybody at my school is obsessed with myspace. At my church I am one of TWO people who don't have. (sniffle) I feel so alone.**

**(3)-Eric from The Little Mermaid. I just couldn't help but put him in. He's so stupid and oblivious in KH2 and he just popped into my head when I was thinking of who Selphie should tackle.**

**(4)-that is the brief cameo Neb gets (if you've ever read any of Mistress Zelda's fics like Sugar and Steel Don't Mix you'll see him there too). He's my friend with an account on that tells my other friend MZ that sos and so should poison the water whenever she asks what should happen in a story. She never does it though.**


	3. Kairi's revenge

Yuffie and the Homeroom Quest of Gayness!

Chapter Two: Kairi's Revenge

Akikami: Hello! Two weeks and another chapter. This one is a bit of a filler because I haven't really figured out what the permanent pairings are yet. And pertaining to that girl asking if I was Ashley R (or something like that) um….nooooo. My name doesn't even begin with an A. I don't think I know an Ashley R either.

* * *

Kairi watched Axel laugh obnoxiously at Yuffie chasing Demyx out of the cafeteria.

She twitched.

She was STILL angry about Axel's stunt during science class. The forms of her revenge were slowly falling into place in her mind. Soon VENGEANCE WOULD BE HERS!

"HEEEEEY KAIIIRIIIII!"

And now it was gone.

"What. Selphie?

Selphie giggled hysterically at absolutely nothing. "Nothing! I just wanted to come and say hi to my bestest friend in the world…est! AHAHAHA!"

Since when were they best friends?

Yuffie was a closer friend then her and the only reason she talked to Kairi was because she wanted her help in exposing all of the homeroom boys' gayness!

…

Wow. That sounded a lot weirder when actually put into words.

"Oh." Twitch twitch. "Great."

Now she had to think up her revenge all over again!

"YEAH! AHAHAHA!"

Twitch.

Wait. Kairi suddenly got ANOTHER idea for revenge.

It was pretty stupid but the effects would be immediate!

"Yesss…yeeeessssss…" Kairi muttered evilly.

"Uh…Kairi, no offense but you're sorta acting weird! AHAHAHA!"

"Uhg…" Oh my god. What a freak. "Hey…" Okay, she could do this. "Bestest friend, could you do me a favor?"

Selphie's face lit up like a Christmas tree at the bestest friend part. "Yeah! Of course BESTEST FRIEND!"

Cue bone-crushing, suffocating bear hug.

"Ack…Selphie…can't…breath…"

* * *

"Hey Demyx!…Dem-Demy…oh whatever!" Huffing and puffing Yuffie blew a raspberry at Demyx's laughing retreating form. "I'll-I'll get…you yet!"

Sighing, she dragged herself back to the cafeteria…

Only to find that pandemonium had struck again!

"And than-Oh my god!-Roxas was like 'Aaaaxeeeel-'"

"I WAS NOT!"

"Oh, don't deny it Roxy-puuu! I have it allllll on video!"

"Selphie!"

Axel and Roxas were in vain trying to subdue the unstoppable romantic demon that was Selphie which everyone knows is impossible because not only is she a hyperactive nutcase she was also so obsessed with romance that no current or would be couple was safe from her wrath! Actually, she would probably be a good ally…but, I digress.

Selphie was laughing hysterically as she usually did as she screeched something that sounded suspiciously like-

Yuffie grinned.

Axel and Roxas!

"What were you doing in the BOYS' bathroom anyway?" Axel was yelling, bordering pitiful.

"Oh-ho! Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Seeelphie!"

Everyone seemed quite disturbed.

Kairi was grinning evilly and stroking the charred ends of her hair.

Hmmm…

For some reason Yuffie was starting to think Kairi had something to do with all this.

Kairi began to cackle evilly before erupting into a coughing fit.

Oh yeah…

"Um Kairi…"

"THE APOCALYPSE HAS COOOOME!"

And then for no reason in particular Pence ran screaming through the cafeteria.

Naked.

"AHHH! MY EEEYESSS!" Olette wailed and proceeded to run straight into a wall.

"Heart…can't…breath!" Hayner passed out, falling on top of Olette's unconscious body.

And the rest of the cafeteria just ran as fast as they could.

* * *

THE NEXT DAY:_"Now let us have a moment of silence for Pence…something who died yesterday when the cafeteria lady accidentally dumped a bucket of kerosene on him to stop him from streaking. **(1)** We are all very sad."_

One millisecond later…

_"On a lighter note, Hayner and Olette are no longer with us because they went to Las Vegas and got married after becoming conscious again…that is all."_

Yuffie didn't really care.

Pence was a 6th grader.

A PUDGY 6th grader.

Therefore, he didn't exist in her eyes.

She was in homeroom again. Nobody seemed that sad…well, except for Roxas. But, that was just because Rikku (the girl. Two ks not one) was teasing him about what Selphie said before Pence's streaking (or as Yuffie liked to call Prestreak).

Cloud was making sure nobody saw his ferret's big tail sticking out of his bag even though it was pretty obvious.

Jasmine was interrogating everyone else about 'how they feel' about Pence's death…and Hayner and Olette's marriage.

All in all it was a very boring morning.

So, let's go see what someone else is doing!

* * *

IN SELPHIE'S HOMEROOM"

"Do you really think I should tell her?"

"Yessss! You should! You should! Her deep, hidden love for you is evident in her eyesssss!"

"Ummm…okay."

And that was how Beast (strange name huh?) was talked into confessing his love to Belle, the prettiest girl in their homeroom. Not that he was UGLY or anything, but people tended to say he was bit on the hairy side **(2)**.

"Um, Belle?"

The brunette turned around and smiled. "Yes?"

Beast swallowed. "Um..I…I…"

He gaped like a fish. Swallowed again.

"I…"

"He's doooomed!" Selphie sighed.

"I…"

"Um..yes?" Belle said in a confused (but polite!) way.

"I…ILOVEYOU!"

Silence.

"Oh…" Not polite! Oh my god!

"Oh? Oh what?"

"Weeelll…I'm sorry Beast but I'm in love with Xaldin!"

Beast blinked and gaped like a suffocating fish.

Selphie gasped, "An unlikely romance! How scandalous!"

Belle laughed nervously.

All three simultaneously turned to the back corner of the room where Xaldin, the Chinese hippie, and his friend Xigbar, the resident emo, sat.

Their conversation went a bit like this:

Xigbar: Hey dude!

Xaldin: What man?

Xigbar: I'm gonna cut myself with this safety pin RIGHT NOW!

Xaldin: Righteous man man!

Xigbar: -cutting himself with a safety pin- AHHH! THE PAIIIN! IT'S SOOO GOOOD!

END CONVERSATION

"NOOOOOOOO!" Beast wailed, falling to his knees.

"Shut up fool!" Ansem the teacher screamed.

Everyone ignored him.'

"WHY AM I ALWAYS IGNORED? WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS!"

Still ignored.

TBC

* * *

Akikami: a bit shorter then I normally write but oh well. I need some ideas for the pairings I'll use. I'm going to make this basically ALL crack pairings so vote for which cracktastic pairings you want featured in this fanfic!

**(1)-This is taken from a book I had to read in LA Out of the Dust. The main character Billy Joe accidentally dumped a bucket of kerosene on HER mother and she died giving birth to her brother (who also died). EVERYBODY DIED! Even people who didn't get names died! It was mind numbing to watch.**

**(2)- I combined the Beast's beginning ugliness with his ending attractiveness! FUHOHOHOHO!**

Now read and review my readers.

Read and review.


	4. Side story: a shameless yyh ripoff

Yuffie and the Homeroom Quest of Gayness

Chapter Four: A shameless Yu Yu Hakusho Rip-off

Basically a pointless side story

A/N: First day of summer! WOOOOOO! Ahem, anyway. Sorry I have neglected this story for…a few weeks, but I had a case of serious writer's block on what to do next. And I had lost pretty much ANY inspiration that I had once had…but never fear! My seemingly endless hours of boredom during finals have inspired this fic once more….and a whole lot of one shots and ANOTHER fic (o.0)! I've already posted two, but expect another soon.

Oh, and one other thing. Just because our BELIEVES that all the boys in her homeroom are gay does not mean they actually are. As you have seen she IS a bit addled in the head. Just warning you. Some of you have reviewed for certain pairings that probably won't be in the story. AT ALL.

* * *

The poor, FAT ghost of Pence floated sadly about the town of Twilight Town. He had been dead for only two days and already he was bored out of his mind. 

There really wasn't anything to do when you're dead and nobody can see you.

I mean, it only lasts so long to spy on everyone and learn their deepest, darkest secrets before you get bored of not being able to tell anyone. And freaking out little spiritually aware kids pretty much sucks when the only one you can find is some big, orange-haired gang oaf with the brain of a hamster and a disturbing love for kittens **(1)**.

So, there he was floating above his one true love's house: Namine. When he was alive, she hadn't really liked him. Actually, she downright hated him. Once, she had drawn a picture of him being shoved off a cliff and missing three of his limbs and given it to him…Pence had treasured it always.

Pence loved everything about Namine. Her hair, her eyes, even her slightly disturbing snorting laugh. He loved her so much he would watch her in her bushes twice a week.

…

Isn't true love wonderful thing?

"Bingo ol' chap! AHAHAHAHA!"

"AHHH! OH MY GOD!" Pence squealed girlishly. "IT'S THE GRIM REA-"

He stopped.

There on an oar was the most… not grim reaper thing he had ever seen. A hyper looking GIRL in a kimono with a British accent. Weird. **(2)**

"Um…who are you?"

The girl giggled shrilly for one, two, three minutes!

Pence wondered how she was able to breath.

"I'm the grim reaper, here to tell youuuu…"

"That I get to go to heaven?"

The _grim reaper_ snorted. "As if! Oh, oops that was bit mean. Bad me!" She hit herself. Pence floated about an inch or so away. "No, I came here to tell you that…there's no room for you heaven OR hell! AHAHAHAHA!"

Pence sat and stared.

Opened his mouth.

And stared some more.

"No room?"

The girl laughed again. "Nope! So, now you can either get someone to dig your body out of the grave and kiss it before noon and bring you back to life orrrrr….WONDER THE EARTH FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY! AHAHAHA!"

"Ummm…okay. How many people do I get to ask?"

"Uhhh…four!"

"Four?"

"FOUR!"

"Okay!"

The girl blinked, whacked Pence the head with her oar, and disappeared.

* * *

**TRY ONE: YUFFIE**

Pence couldn't ask Namine to dig his body out of a grave. She was too pure. But, somehow he could see the would-be ninja digging hiss body out of a graveyard at night with a rusty shovel.

Go figure.

Yuffie sat in her room that night thinking. She thought of many things: how to prove all of the boys in her homeroom's TRUE sexuality, what to wear to Pence's funeral (lime green maybe?), and how to acquire Cloud's ferret in her NEXT quest…WORLD DOMINATION!

It was during these deep, life-altering thoughts that Yuffie…fell asleep.

And it was during this sleep that Yuffie had very very strange dreaaaaaaam….

_YUFFIE'S DREAM:_

_Everything was all sparkly and shiny and PINK._

_Yuffie twitched. She HATED pink._

_Wait a minute._

_She saw herself…about to make out with the pudgy sixth grader Pence! Strangely, Pence was glowing a shimmery gold colour and still looked quite dead (which was even more gross then just regular Pence), but Yuffie didn't pay much attention to that._

…

_SHE WAS MAKING OUT WITH PENCE!_

_OH, THE UNSPEAKABLE HORRORS!_

_END DREAM_

"AHG! MY EEEYEEES! THEY BUUUURN!"

Yuffie jumped up and ran, fully clothed, into her shower to wash her eyes and mouth out.

Hmmm…guess she didn't exactly like the kissing Pence part.

Oh, well.

Guess he would have to try again.

* * *

**TRY TWO: SORA**

Maybe Sora would. He liked to help others, right?

Sora was already asleep at 9.30 PM. Can you say goody two shoes or what?

He had picture of a silver-haired girl conspicuously hidden under his pillow and randomly muttered, "Fuuuuuu…."

Pence wondered quite off topic…what was a fuu?

So Pence made the dream happen however it was supposed to be done. He didn't really get himself. Then, he waited. And waited. And STILL waited. Wait, Sora was starting wake up… 

"AHHHHHHH!"

Sora bolted up and ran screaming from his room. Pence watched him disappear downstairs and scream, "MOM! GET THE HOLY WATER! GET THE HOLY WATEEEEER!"

Ooookaaaay.

Who else was there?

(A/N: For the sanity of the readers I'm just going to skip the rest of the dream sequences.)

* * *

**TRY THREE: HAYNER**

Hayner was supposed to be his friend. He would help him! (Pence does not know of Hayner and Olette's marriage in Las Vegas)

Pence was quite surprised to see that Hayner was NOT asleep in his room, but…somewhere else.

Well, that sucked.

But, wait!

Maybe he could send the dream-thing without being able to see him. So, he tried.

Waited.

Nothing happened.

Pence sighed.

"Oh well. Guess I'll have to find someone else…"

* * *

**IN LAS VEGAS WEDDING CHAPEL**

Wow.

Hayner had just had the most disturbing daydream right before his marriage to Olette that he was kissing Pence.

"I'm sorry, Olette, but I can't see you anymore!" Hayner exclaimed as he ran out of the chapel.

Olette burst into tears and hugged the preacher wailing, "WHYYYYYY?"

"I don't know who I am anymoooore!" Hayner wailed, in tears.

Some random guy in the pews jumped up. "RUNAWAY GROOM! RUNAWAY GROOOOOOM!"

* * *

**TRY FOUR (THE LAST):…SELPHIE**

Pence just…couldn't think of anyone else. His reasoning: maybe she was crazy enough to do it.

Mere minutes after the dream the romantic brunette had jumped out of bed and gotten a rusty shovel from her closet exclaiming "DUTY CALLS!"

She ran out of her house. "Mooom! I'm going to dig Pence's body out of his grave and bring him back to life with the kiss of life!"

"Okay, honey! Have fun!"

Pence followed after her, all the while thinking of what horror he had unleashed upon the war.

* * *

The following morning Selphie was till attempting to drag Pence's coffin out when the police came and dragged her off. 

They ignored her frantic, wild reasoning and put a piece of duct tape over her mouth to silence.

Some random gravedigger filled his grave back off and whistled his way on home.

"NOOOOOO!" Pence cried. "WHAT WILL I DO NOOOOOW?"

"Wooooow," Pence nearly died again at the grim reaper's sudden appearance. "That's really too bad. Guess you'll have to wonder the earth for all eternity, huh?"

Pence sniffled. "Isn't there ANYTHING else I can do?"

"Weeell…you could hatch open this egg." She pulled out a golden egg. "If it's good then you come back to life. If it's bad it'll eat you."

"Okay!"

Pence hatched it open.

A giant man-eating monster that was about a million times larger then him popped out and ate him.

The grim reaper laughed and clapped her hands. "Oh, that's might favorite part!"

And, nobody EVER learned the true demise of Pence.

And frankly, nobody would have cared.

Moral of the story: Pineapples don't have sleeves.

* * *

A/N: Okay, after finishing this I have discovered that this is more of a side story then and actual chapter. But, who cares? It's still an update! 

**1-Botan from Yu Yu Hakusho. She's actually pretty cool, but I sort of….screwed up her character. Oh well.**

**2-Kuwabara from Yu Yu Hakusho. He's an idiot, is in a gang, and has a kitten that was held hostage by a bad guy in one of the first episodes. Nobody likes him including me. He's probably the most pathetic character ever on ANYTHING.**

**I told you this was a shameless Yu Yu Hakusho rip-off.**


	5. This egg is your brain

Yuffie and the Homeroom Quest of Gayness

Chapter Five: This egg is your brain

Sorry that updating this story has taken so outrageously long. I'm going to try posting it on my dad's laptop even though the keyboard is impossible to type with.

My Hundred Acre Woods story almost has more reviews than this one…that's kind of sad.

* * *

"Will all students please go to the auditorium for a mandatory talk with our returning motivational speaker, MZ."

"MZ? That name be totally trippin'!" Seifer exclaimed standing on top of his desk and making retarded hand motions.

Rinoa sat in the desk behind him and drooling, shamelessly stared at his butt.

Selphie did not notice this _mean to be_ couple though. She was too busy staring at the young man with the long silver hair scribbling on the chalkboard. Who was this man with unnaturally shiny hair that put even Riku's to shame?

And more importantly what kind of conditioner did he use?

"Hello. I am Sephiroth, your new substitute teacher." Everyone squinted at the chalky scribble all over the board, trying to figure out where the Sephiroth was in it.

Selphie was drooling.

The door slammed open and Cloud walked in with a stack of textbooks. "Hey, Mr.Ansem. I have your-"

He stopped. Glared. "Sephiroth."

Sephiroth returned the glare in a much cooler fashion. "Cloud."

The tension was evident in the air.

Selphie squealed inside her head. This totally made up for being dragged to the police station on Saturday!

With a sudden high-pitched battle cry Cloud reached into his freakishly large pants pocket and through his amazing super ferret at the unsuspecting Sephiroth.

"AHHHHHHH! MY HAIR! MY BEAUTIFUL SILVER LOCKS!"

"MWAHAHAHAHA! FEEL THE WRATH OF MY AMAZING FERRET!"

"YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS STRIIIIFE!"

"AHAHAHA! I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY SEPHIROTH! TRY MEEE!"

Unfortunately for Cloud, he did not count on the 5-second obsessions of the great matchmaker Selphie Tilmitt.

"Take this evil ferret tamer!"

"Huh?"

"YAAAAAHHH!" Selphie whipped out her amazing throwing valentines to knock over Cloud and send all twenty textbooks on his head.

"AHHHHHH! I'M…_gasp_…suffocating." He twitched; stopped moving.

Everyone- including the ferret- stopped to stare at the unconscious (or dead) blonde.

"I'm like totally wiggin' out man!" Xaldin exclaimed.

"Duuude!" Xigbar guffawed. "Aerith's gonna kill youuu!"

Selphie blanched. She had forgotten about Cloud's almost girlfriend. Almost as in she followed the poor blonde around and hugged him to the point of turning blue. Only one girl had ever been stupid enough to ask him out.

Tifa had been receiving threatening letters pinned to her door with poisonous flowers ever since.

"NUUUUUU!" Selphie's final cry died as she jumped through the closed window in a spray of glass shards and cries of pain.

"Uh…shouldn't we be in the auditorium?"

* * *

Yuffie could barely keep her eyes open in her auditorium seat. She had been kept up the past two nights with strange and disturbing dreams about kissing that dead fat 6th grader.

She shuddered just thinking about it.

"HELLO STUDENTS!" Their principal, Ansem the Wise (not to be confused with Mr.Ansem), yelled into the microphone around the bar of sea salt ice cream crammed in his mouth. Everyone winced at the high frequency bouncing off the walls.

Ansem the Wise was a very scary person. He had an extremely deep voice and a strange affinity for sea salt ice cream. He also stared at Riku and the girl in Yuffie's art class, Namine, whenever they passed by the main office.

"PLEASE WELCOME OUR MO-TI-" he paused, trying to pronounce the word, "MOTI-VAT-_MOTIVATIONAL_ SPEAKER, MZ!"

Only Sora clapped.

A young woman with wavy brown hair and glasses walked out onto the stage. Fast as lightening, she pulled Ansem the Wise's ice cream bar and threw it to the ground.

"Sea salt ice cream sucks and makes you fat!" she exclaimed. "YOU ARE A FAT AND WORTHLESS MAN!"

"WAH! IT'S TRUEEEE!" Their _beloved_ principal ran from the stage crying.

"Go my brotha!" Seifer called from behind Yuffie.

"Oh, Seifer!" Rinoa gushed. "You're so suave!"

Seifer blinked. "Man, what's a suave?"

"I AM NOT A MAN!"

"Yo," MZ said into the mike, flashing the peace sign. "I would just like to say that you are all pathetic and worthless wastes of space."

…

Oooookay.

"Now, I need a volunteer!"

"Ooooh! Me! MEEEEEEEE!" Axel jumped up and down in his seat, waving both his arms wildly in the air.

MZ twitched. "Whatever."

Axel bounded up onto the stage. "The name's Axel. A-X-E-L. Got it memorized?"

MZ stared at him blankly. "Right."

She produced an egg from her pocket. "This egg will represent Lexa's brain."

"Actually, it's-"

"Got it? Good."

She waved the egg about wildly as she talked. "This egg is Lexa's brain NOT on drugs."

She threw the egg into Axel's face. "THIS is Lexa's brain on drugs."

Kairi was in awe. This girl was genius!"

* * *

Okay, this is pretty short. But, I wanted to post SOMETHING before school started up again. And just so you know, typing with this keyboard took me HOURS!

And yay for MistressZelda's special appearance! (MZ) I hope you enjoyed throwing an egg in Axel's face.


End file.
